Angry Child? Address the Behavior

Anger is a common problem in children, particularly children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. How do you address the child behavior of an angry child?

Fix the behavior, not the feeling, so the saying goes. How is this done?

People by nature get angry. This is normal. The problem with anger is not the emotion, but how one expresses that emotion.

When children get angry they tend to lash out. They become overwhelmed by anger and behave inappropriately. How do we fix the behavior of an angry child?

Here are some ideas:

Head off the anger.

The best time to address anger is before it happens. When children are already overwhelmed with their anger, they do things beyond their control. This is not the time to teach your child how to manage anger.

The best time to teach your child how to manage or redirect anger is when he is calm.  Discuss with him what he can do when he gets angry.  Remember the emotion isn’t the problem.  It is how he expresses the emotion that can become a problem.

Deal with the behavior, not the feelings.

Anger is a normal emotion.  Trying to eliminate the feeling is usually not possible.  You must be aware that your goal is to teach your child how to manage his anger, not to eliminate it.

How do you do this?

Here is an example.  Say your child just threw and destroyed his younger sister’s toy because he was angry. Talk to him gently about why he threw the toy instead of asking why he got angry.

The problem is not the anger, but the inappropriate expression of anger.  Make sure you address the real problem.

Life is not fair.

How often have you heard you child say, “It’s not fair!”

Well, he is right, life is not fair.  The world is filled with inequity and someone always has more.  That is reality.  It is a reality that your child needs to live with.

Instill in the mind of your child that the world is not always fair, but that does not give him the excuse to act out.  Injustice may make us angry, but it is not a reason to act on that anger in an inappropriate fashion. 

Remember, the goal is anger management, not anger elimination.  You need to teach your child how to control his behavior when he is angry. 

At times your child's behavior may require discipline. However, remember your goal is to educate your child to manage his emotions properly.